It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
