I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
