can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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