She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
