I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
