i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
