Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
