i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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