I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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