**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just gargled with NyQuil
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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