He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
