I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
