feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
