Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize