I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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