I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
