After last night, I could never be a politician.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
