I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
