Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
