I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
