it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just cropdusted the office
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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