I wish you could order shots online.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
