don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
