Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
