I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
