I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
