I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
