we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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