i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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