Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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