Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
