Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
BRING THE BAGELS
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
