I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
