I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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