Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
