I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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