Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
