Im at strip club and am horny
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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