writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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