So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
