I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
