I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
