I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
