I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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