Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Pooping to opera.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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