White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
