A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
