i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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