I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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