Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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